He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
