the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
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