You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
