your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
