I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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