the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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