Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She told me I should be a condom model.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
