you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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