Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
