I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
