When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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