it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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