Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
