dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
