Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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