It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
