I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
