so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
