apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
