You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
