someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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