woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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