Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
