We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
