it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
