The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
