I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
