Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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