probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
