So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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