I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
