why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
