I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
