woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
