Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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