he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just blew my weed a kiss
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
