I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you didnt know i had herpes?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
