It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
