Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
