I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
