I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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