Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
