In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
