I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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