Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
