Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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