he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
