Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
