My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
