Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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