My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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