i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
