He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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