can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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