so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
